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The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist. — Eckhart Tolle

Back in 2011 I couldn’t get enough of Eckhart Tolle’s writings and whenever I had a chance, I would read the Power of Now over and over again. Back then, I was in despair. It seemed everything he said made sense to me and I tried to apply it to my life as much as I could. I regularly had no-mind situations e.g. moments where you don’t think of anything at all and it put a smile on my face everytime.

 

What I noticed, as my life turned around and I found myself out of the destructive patterns I had followed for so many years, all of a sudden his words were harder to understand and I eventually did not read the Power of Now any longer. To be honest, I got quite annoyed reading his words. I was fearing that the ego had crept back in again and found a way to manipulate me out of my path I was on.

 

Why is it that when we feel happy and stronger, we no longer require measures we set up which we once needed so much? How come there is no continuity? Is it just me? I feel I often have ‘happiness procrastinating behaviours’. When I’m happy with how life is, I start neglecting my yoga practice, no longer read the same books as I read before. But without my yoga practice and without these books, I would not be the person I am today and wihout it, I know I will slip back into old ways really quickly.

 

I have always struggled to discipline myself to do something. If it wasn’t for my study friend back at uni who was always the one pushing for more, I would have not achieved the same grades. I am like that. I need someone to look up to. I’ve never been the leader type – I like to be led. And yet, paradoxically, many people say I have the drive of a leader. I come across like a leader. Or someone once said you look like a ‘business woman’. This could not be further from the reality of how I perceive myself. I’m not a business woman. I’m a free spirit. A wild child. One with flowers in her hair always on the look out for a new adventure. The girl who sits around campfires with friends and sings.

 

Isn’t it strange that we perceive ourselves differently to how other people perceive us?

 

It sounds very cliché but of course I am hoping to find myself – the real self on those travels. I have a pretty good idea who I am but I know there are so many more layers inside of me that have not yet appeared. I want to un-layer myself. If you spend so many years living for other people it can be quite hard to take responsibility and finally do what you love. Well, I’m already doing it. Otherwise I would not be sitting here typing this. Otherwise I would not have worked on my website all these months. I’m filling my life up with the things that excite me. The things that are ME. Travel, Photography, Yoga, Adventure, Food and yes…there is still a part of me who would always want to help others (the fundraising aspect of my website). That’s ok. And I’m certainly not a bad person for doing that. I’m embracing the past, the present and I’m excited to see what the future brings.

 

I want to learn to trust life even more and relinquish control even more. I want to divorce the ego altogether and live from a place higher than ‘I’. I want to be better at sticking to a routine even if I’m happy. I want to read his book again and understand the words that once resonated so intensely.

 

‘I want’. – Isn’t this the ego yet again?

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